forgive me, life is cruel.

It’s a baby themed day here at BSC world HQ. My friend’s wife just gave birth to a baby boy earlier today. I’ve been hanging out with a different baby boy all morning…fuck, all week. He’s currently crying in his bedroom. He’s got this really great new trick where he flips over onto his stomach and then he can’t flip back so he blows a gasket. It’s great. I know he’s tired, man, but he just won’t sleep. Whatever. I’m tired too, and lord knows I’m not laying down, that’s a fucking death trap. Every time I lay down for a nap the garbage trucks come and back up all over my fucking alley, BEEEPing my ass awake. Not today trash hogs, not today.
I have a new class starting tonight. It’s writing again, and I’m apprehensive simply because I’m coming to realize that in this sequence (there are six altogether and I’m starting the fourth) I’ve been dissatisfied with every instructor for some reason. Most recently, my teacher just didn’t like me, and while he was funny as shit, and gave great direction to everyone, he was kind of a dick to me, and it made it hard to fully immerse myself in the lesson, you know? I don’t know why he didn’t like me…different personalities I guess. I liked him just fine though, so huh, maybe I’m an abrasive wiseass or something. Who knew?
I’ve never really been in a fight. I’ve been punched in the face a few times in my life, only once that was serious. I broke my nose (8 places) and had to go to the hospital and get a face cast and all that. Funny thing, they stuffed one of my nostrils (my left, if memory serves) with gauze and when they took it out, like, 2 months later, it was the greatest feeling ever, so for the next few years my buddies and I would stuff tons of toilet paper up our noses and let it just kind of hang out for a while to try to recapture this amazing feeling of relief when we finally removed the blockage. It was okay. Not like the real deal, but pretty good. We also did these things called gong-bongs, which involve squatting and breathing real deep for a while then standing up and holding your breath. It’s kind of an asphyxiation high thing, and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t pretty awesome for the time, given the tools we had to work with to get high. Heh. It’s great, the things people do to get high when drugs aren’t around. Smoking banana peels, gong bongs, uh, what else? Jogging. Dude, meth is the most perfect example of misused genius in the hands of a bored person without access to real drugs that there probably is, and also a great argument for the legalization of said drugs.
Some guy, bored and unable to get his hands on real drugs, figured out that if you combine all the shit under your bathroom sink with some batteries and some Sudafed, you can create a product that gets you so fucked up that you won’t even be bothered by ingesting the ingredients you just used to make it. Fuck, man. How do you even figure that shit out? “man, I got some drano, some ammonia, a duracel 9 volt, some Sudafed and a big kettle. I bet there’s a high in there somewhere.” That’s really smart. It’s gross, don’t get me wrong, but it’s remarkably resourceful. In a slightly different world, those guys would be heralded as great thinkers.
Also funny, that drug is so gross, so dangerous and creates such FUCKED UP people, couldn’t we have just given everyone some weed and some coke and been done with it? It’s like disease. You stomp out one, the new one is just gonna be more devastating. It’s like Eddie Murphy said about the ever more dangerous world of STD’s, “What’s next? You just stick your dick in and explode.”
To sort of blend the world of STD’s and meth for a moment (not that they’re not already like hippos and sandpipers in terms of their symbiosis) I remember a time when a friend of mine tried to get this other group of guys to rent a transvestite hooker. His plan was, he’d tell these dudes that he was renting the hooker as a gag for my friends and I, you know, because presumably we’d all be fine with fucking this hooker, we’d be excited that someone else was picking up the tab, and we wouldn’t realize it had a dick until the panties came down and ‘WOAH! This chick has a dick!!!!’ Sure, it had its logical flaws, not the least of which was, you know, how the joke would play for more than one of us after the first guy’s um, surprise registered, but you get the general idea.
Anyway, this guy and the other group of guys would get a big laugh. BUT! His plan was actually much more involved. In fact, what he really wanted to do was, after he got the money from the other group of dudes, he’d rent the tranny hooker, and HE would fuck him/her HIMSELF. He proposed that I videotape the whole thing and then sell it as a DVD.
He was excited about this plan. Really excited.
Needless to say, me, not so much.
So, he’s sitting there with me and my friends trying to get us psyched up about this “brilliant idea” and he looks at me (keep in mind, my other friends are looking at me with a ‘uh, you gotta say no to this, ya know’ sort of look of desperation) and says “well, Beex, what do you think?” And I said “uh, man, well…we don’t have a, uh, video camera.”
And he says “Fuck! That’s the least of our worries.”
No shit dude.
Um…so, in what I hope is a completely ‘needless to say’ moment, we didn’t do it.
That’s what meth will do to you, kids. That guy got help and he’s better now, presumably making gentle, sober love to trannies somewhere, you know, for free, or at least without supporting the European Transvestite Hooker Consortium (yeah, this all happened in Europe [on another note, I’m not sure if the ETHC is still the main organization for tranny hookers over there, just going with old info, so yeah, apologies and all that. Don’t cite this for wikipedia or anything]). But man. To recycle a previous idea, that’s a whole other level of genius. In another, slightly different world, that guy would be heralded as a great thinker.

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12 Responses to forgive me, life is cruel.

  1. Jorubo says:

    That is funny. How these things happen to anyone is beyond me.
    Anyway, I swore to myself I wouldnt be this guy but I do have a question for you (or anyone who wants to give me some advice).
    For my English class we have a group paper due in two weeks and right now we are coming up with topics. Its an argument paper, and I want to be as offensive as possible without getting kicked out of school (mainly because its Utah and getting people all worked up is great fun). Any good ideas for this paper?
    Remember when I told my group I want to offend people a kid in my group said (honest to god) “Lets argue turtles should have the right to vote.” This is what I am dealing with. Help!

  2. DrewYork says:

    Utah man, fucking Utah… that shit is easy! Talk about some ungodly shit! Being very general, and from the good ol' west myself (Colorado), any sort of religious or blasphemous theme will surely get the bible-bangers riled up. Case in point, gay rights. Man you would not believe how agitated people get over this topic still in the west. Additionally, abortion and pro-choice is always good, you could also talk about gun control. Man do "people of god" tend to LOVE their guns and weapons. Army of Jesus anyone? Evangelicals crack me up. The biggest detractor of them all for gay rights, Ted Haggard, at least was able to take his own advice and seclude his homoerotic relations to the privacy of his own home… hey and speaking of METH… how perfect. He epitomizes how fucked up people on meth truly are. What a fuckin joke that clown was. Anyways back to the point. Impious topics are the way to go my friend. If anyone gives you shit, you ask them this simple question,

    "Do you support freedom?"

    Now of course with the tainted use and misunderstanding of the word freedom, they are going to indubitably reply,


    This is where you retort,

    "Well how can you espouse freedom if you want to deny someone their personal liberties, simply because what they foster isn't what you foster?"

    Then you can go into the cluster and personal attacks on, if they want to really call themselves patriots, then they must be willing to accept others beliefs, where you can further go in and tell them to read documents from the founders where they clearly condone factions, and the right for factions to exist. CONVERSATION OVER!

    This never seems to fail to get them tongue tied.

    -Good luck!


  3. dan638563 says:

    Utah is the state where you can have like twenty wives. Write a paper about that, im sure there is a kid in your class who is from a family like that.

  4. woah! Firecrackers! says:

    Congrats to Mike on the baby boy!

  5. Mikey says:

    So, when I read the part about the garbage truck, I heard the garbage truck outside my window.


  6. Paintboy says:

    Jorubo, Ebonics as a language always worked when I was in school. I don’t know if that’s relevant anymore or not.

  7. planespotting says:

    What’s with all the recent posts warning about Meth, Beex?

    Did your dad die of it or something recently?

  8. lafever says:

    Since I can’t leave an html comment, I’ll leave you with the link to what I would have posted here had I been able to:

  9. Mikey says:

    That sound reminds me of a 500 pound man a few hours after finding his beautiful wife in bed with another man.

  10. Suzanne says:

    I love how you start the whole thing with “This is a baby themed blog” and then basically talk about meth and transvestite hookers.

    Just sayin’

  11. Jake says:

    jesus took meth once and ended up having sex with me

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