We’ll put a boot in your ass…it’s the American Way (oh jesus…is this really where I live?)

Tonight I’m doing an interview on the radio…mostly about you know, grooming habits, politics, my family, this blog, which of the nudes that you guys sent in is my favorite (thanks Jim from Tuscaloosa!) and shit like that, but we MAY also touch on the rock show that my band is playing at the House of Blues in Chicago on October tenth. It should be exciting stuff, and as such, I’m willing to trek down to Q101 after work and bullshit with some dude about my influences and crap like that. Wooohoo! So yeah, I don’t think it’s gonna be broadcast live or anything, and I can pretty much guarantee it’s not gonna be interesting, so I dunno. I guess there’s no point to this bit of trifling information. Sigh.

Ah, September the eleventh…for some reason, this date always sticks out in my mind. Maybe it’s just that my birthday was a few days ago, and now the cobwebs have cleared and I’m on to my new year of life. Yeah, I think that’s it. “September eleventh: Never forget that you’re a year older”. Hmm…that sounds about right, if maybe a bit wordy.

If you were gonna lose a body part, what would it be? Finger, toe, ear? It’s hard to say really. I think I’d have to go with a ball. It seems like people get rid of one of those all the time and it just kind of fills in with scar tissue. Didn’t someone say that about the Olsen twins? They’re like Tom Green’s balls-They both look the same but one is empty inside. I think that’s funny, I guess because I don’t like any of the people involved. Whatever, sounds like Mary-Kate is fun to party with, at least. Heyo!

My class went okay last night, although the skit I ended up writing involved a tranny and two chickenheads (go to some sort of urban dictionary or something) and a husband and wife all in bed together rather than the lesbian, martian old man etc combo I conceptualized yesterday. It turned out pretty sublime, I think.

I really don’t have much of an agenda today. I gots to work soon, and I was hoping I could just start writing and I’d think of a good list or maybe someone would need some advice or something like that, but alas, I got nothing. This sucks. This has got to be the worst September eleventh in history.

5 Things I wish I didn’t like, but kind of do:


5 Things I don’t like, except for on some rare occasions:

Mayo- It’s gross. I don’t want to even think about mayonnaise. When I see someone eating a sandwich or something and all that mayo is sliding down the back of their hand by their pinky, I want to barf. But man, it goes from disgusting to necessary pretty quick. Is that a rolled up newspaper full of Belgian fries? Better have the mayo, yo. Same with certain sandwiches. I actually tend to avoid these foods, because I can’t really bear the thought of needing mayo on food…but you can’t deny that shit sometimes. Did you know that they use mayonnaise in lots of Mexican dips, including some guacamole? That’s just revolting.
Rock of Love- I don’t know, man. I can’t explain what the appeal of watching strippers barfing and hurling liquor bottles at each other is…oh wait, it’s awesome. I just wish it wasn’t such a sign of the apocalypse. Also, it’s good to watch that show because (listen up guys) every time Bret Michaels wears a new piece of clothing on the air, he officially makes that piece of clothing absolutely unacceptable for any other self respecting male to ever wear again. So burn your Ed Hardy shirts and True Religions. They’ve been Michaelsized.

Perez Hilton’s website- So dumb…It’s kind of like if mayonnaise and Bret Michaels had a baby it would be this tubby pop culture disgusto-tron 9000 and his website dedicated to doodling jizz on people’s chins, but fuck me if I can stop. I don’t even know what Gossip Girl is, but I can name the fucking stars of that shit. Fuck!

Strip clubs- Throw your stones. There are naked ladies in there, and beer. I don’t know why this is even on this list, because I LOVE those two things…but it is. Something about putting the two together just kind of makes you seem like one of those guys, you know? Stupid puritanical national identity. So, I like them, but I don’t really go. Plus, the strip club is a bit like in n out burger in that we don’t really have them in Chicago, so I’m a little deprived anyway. Well, we’ve got places where the girls wear paint over their breasts, which is just kind of stupid looking, and places that have nude girls but don’t serve beer, which is creeeeeeepy. I like to at least pretend I’m there for the beer. The next option is driving to Indiana or something, which I’m just not going to do for the sole purpose of going to the titty bar, you know?

Those fucking hats that everyone is wearing now- I know that every douche in Williamsburg and in Echo Park and everywhere in between insists that they were wearing the brimmed, fedora style hat before it got all cool, but fuck man…I used to love those things. Now, I look like a kid rock fan impersonating brad pitt or something. It’s just embarrassing. I also used to collect mesh ‘trucker style’ hats when I was a kid. I have bags and bags of them that my mom would bring me from as long ago as I can remember. Suddenly, Ashton Kutcher shows up and my twenty five year collection of hats in reduced to “Hey, you like Punk’d?” No. I WAS punk’d. Fucking Kelso.

Okay, it’s off to work I go. Stupid work. Have a rocking Thursday, and let’s make this one of those September eleventh’s to remember for a change, right?

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17 Responses to We’ll put a boot in your ass…it’s the American Way (oh jesus…is this really where I live?)

  1. dan631985 says:

    I’m guessing the Mannos are interviewing you tonight, you sir are becoming big time.

  2. These Seans says:

    Dan, is that the NPR program? What am I thinking off…Sound Opinions? is that it?

  3. Andrew says:

    …and uncle sam puts your name at the top of his list, and the statue of liberty starts swingin her fist…

    yeah. i’m so punk i listen to country. blow me.

  4. Jorubo says:

    I am an avid ROL viewer, not sure why. BrettM is hands down the most disgusting, collagen enhanced, he/she alive. The good news is that I have heard there is a new rock of love but the twist is the girls are on the road with BM while he is touring from city to city. That should be some good quality entertainment. I cant fucking wait!

  5. Seth says:

    Fuckin’ Kelso. Actually trucker hats are still cool, because no one cool really watched Punk’d. If you still have doubts, send them to me.

  6. mediocore says:

    The only other food (aside from those mentioned) that mayo is acceptable with is artichoke.

    Garlic Mayo, on the other hand, is always a good time.

  7. Katie says:

    hipsters and Ashton Kutcher. What has this world come to?

    Looking forward to the show in October 🙂

  8. Keri says:

    ok get this–for your next list, a william shatner-style list of things you can’t get behind. “the price of oil goes down but the price of gas goes up–i can’t get behind that!” (you know, the track with henry rollins) anyway, yeah. pretty sure that’s all your blog is anyway, but might be a fun time anyway.

  9. Robb says:

    I appreciated the wry/subtle attacks on those (like in, oh say, the realm of politics) whom still doggedly cling to that “We will never forget 9/11” rhetoric as a go-to means of convenient, vague emotional appeal. Or at least I think that’s what was going on there.

  10. James Bliss says:

    Well, I hate pointing out the obvious, but there was also a terrorist attack on 9-11… Thousands of people died and Pinochet took over the country!

  11. matisfatt says:

    knock knock
    whose there?
    9/11 who?

  12. sheila says:

    non-fucking stop today. you go, girl!

  13. alkalinepunk13 says:

    hey brendan tell your mom her cookies suck

    i can’t wait for some new arms music. 7 inches would be lovely right about now!

  14. John Barrett says:

    Ha! Alkalinepunk wants 7 inches right now. That’s the size of a slightly above average dick.

    Can we get a real LOTR fan fiction? Or better yet, slash-fiction? I’m stoked for a lot of what you talked about in the past few blogs. A split series with the Lawrence Arms and the Falcon? The Lawrence Arms/Falcon/Sundowner/Andrew Jackson Jihad just because I’ve been listening to them too much lately. There. Do that.

  15. Suzanne says:

    Ranch is worse than mayo. At least people don’t put mayo on everything, like they do with ranch. I’ve seen people put ranch on omelets before. And chips. And hotdogs. And basically anything you can think of, they want extra ranch with. Like, sure, I’ll bring you a SOUP CUP full of the gloopy white semen crap..

    Oh yeah, question. Where do you go to meet guys nowadays that aren’t complete douchebags?. I’ve taken up celibacy because the whole dating thing is too depressing nowadays.. I went on a date with a guy a week or so ago that felt consuming half a bottle of champagne, a bottle of raspberry wine, (ew), sake, and then about 4 shots of vanilla vodka straight up, while hanging out with me, was a good idea. I’m not sure what’s so bad about me that he felt the need to toss back that much alcohol just to hang out with me, but needless to say I won’t be doing that again..

    Oh yeah, I’ll send you naked pics if you send me $100 to donate to St Jude’s Children’s hospital. It’s tax deductible so you win both ways..

  16. SauliosBJ123 says:

    The main article on Yahoo yesterday was something about DID JUSTIN OR ASHTON START THE TRUCKER HAT? Yahoo’s news is like half actual news (but still often random shit like “a pigeon wore a hat”) and the other half is stupid celebrity shit that makes me think “did you guys really move on from McCain murdered a hooker to focus on Britney exposed her vagina again?”

  17. brycesublime says:

    I really believe in my heart of hearts you need to write an advice column.

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