Let’s get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?

Hi, hi. Everyone find your seats okay? Good. This is “wasting the precious few moments while the baby sleeps 101” and I’m doctor Kelly. How’s everyone doing today? I’m fucking exhausted. I slept for seven hours, but it wasn’t enough. I need one of those “long bender accompanied by a massive, extended sleep” type situations where you wake up and you’re like, “what? It’s only ten thirty?” and your roommate goes, “Man, it’s Tuesday” and you’re all, “No way bro! Oh dude! I missed my Italian Cinema final!” and he’s like “totally bro, but you were sleeping so sweetly, you know? I didn’t wanna disturb you.” And then you’re all “Oh, man! Aren’t you just the most darling! Let’s cuddle.” Then he goes “Thought you’d never ask, compadre.” You guys know what I’m talking about. Wow, so that’s it. The baby is awake, meaning class is over. Hope you enjoyed it. Now we return you to the regular, haphazardly constructed, split-attention poor fathering mixed with poor semi-autobiographical prose. One sec.
All righty. (Oh, see. That reminds me of Jim Carey…”All Righty then.” He makes me so fucking angry, that guy. He stinks, and that SMUG fucking look that he always has on his face. It’s so punchable. It’s just so FUCKING PUNCHABLE. He’s married to Jenny McCarthy, who I like, because she’s one of those hot chicks that wasn’t afraid to fart. It completely destroyed her in my mind as a hot chick, but she gained a little bit of street cred, for whatever that’s worth. She’s also from Chicago, which I tend to think of as a positive character trait.)
Anyhoo…there’s a lot to discuss today, right? The guy from yesterday’s comments with the suicidal anorexic seventeen-year-old friend with trust issues…what to do? No one knows she’s suicidal, homie is the only one she’s told (along with one other person)…Hmm. Well, here’s the thing, if she’s anorexic, and that’s obvious, you know, with the bird arms, bald spots, barf breath (yes, I’m aware that bulimia and anorexia aren’t the same thing, but they tend to kind of work together a lot of the time, not unlike Danny glover and Joe Pesci) shit like that, chances are, there are people around her besides you who are at least somewhat aware that she’s on a self destructive, if not downright suicidal path. Okay, you mentioned that you didn’t want to betray her trust by telling someone, but that’s just dumb. If she didn’t want people to know, she wouldn’t have told you. In self-destructive situations, there are two real methodologies that people tend to follow. There’s the “oh, I’ve just been busy/out of town/getting my shit together” and then you find out they’ve been holed up in a by-the-hour motel with a tranny shooting coke and water into their veins for the last 5 days type of program, which I’m going to classify here as the “Mind your own fucking business” methodology, then there’s the one where a girl makes a complex series of parameters regarding her situation (I’ve only told you, I have trust issues, my parents betrayed me wocka wocka wocka) who in essence is screaming out for help. A seventeen year old girl who’s been starving herself for seven years is not a junkie who doesn’t want to come out of the cocoon she’s built around herself, she’s a scared kid who’s gotten so confused and turned around that all she can do is sort of cryptically beg you to help her (side note: I’d bet you somewhere in the neighborhood of seven hundred billion dollars that she’s told a few people about this, and also told each of them that they’re the only ones she’s told…this is a big move for seventeen year olds with any kind of secrets, from ‘I got a handjob from the foreign exchange student’ to ‘my dad sneaks into my room and uh…woah’ and anything in between, this isn’t really an important point, just sayin’) by saying things that mean the opposite of what she wants. “I don’t trust my family, don’t tell anyone.” Come on dude! I can tell by the way you wrote ‘grade 5’ instead of ‘fifth grade’ that you’re Canadian, but that’s no excuse…Tell someone, man. You’ll feel like such a shit head if you’re at her funeral going “man, she went to the grave trusting me, at least.” Especially because you actually betrayed her trust. She needs an intervention of sorts, and she’s asking you to help give it to her. She’ll probably hate you for a while, and she’ll probably be resistant to anything that people try to do to help her at first, but…uh, she’s starving herself and says she wants to die. That’s a red flag on a red flag, man. As someone who’s lurked in alleys waiting for models to head to their cars, I’ll tell you firsthand that malnourished young girls are extremely easy to kill, so quit with the bullshit and talk to someone.

Okay, now for the young lady who meets dudes only to have the relationships end before going anywhere, as in no first proper date, no boning, no HJ’s, nothing. Hmmm….I’m gonna give you some bad advice that I think will be helpful. Get out there and do a little boning. Just really, really put it out there and try to have fun. My guess is, it’s gonna end up a lot like what’s going on now, and maybe give you a little bit of perspective. Most people are idiots, jerks or a combination of the two. Think about your high school class. There were maybe three people you actually, genuinely liked, probably about ten more you could tolerate, and the rest could really go get fucked, right? That’s how the whole world is set up. Here’s the golden ratio: mostly dildos/ barely anyone worthwhile. Every relationship in your life is going to end except for maybe one…that’s just how it goes. So get out there and slut it up for a second and then feel like crap about it and go back to the way things are now (which, I should stress, is a much safer way to go about things…but fuck man! Uh, well behaved women rarely make history, or something) to slightly alter a classic, there’s plenty of dicks in the sea. Some of them are even gonna be attached to some good dudes. Just because you’ve hit a stretch of losers, don’t let that get you down. There are SO many more losers out there than worthwhile dudes. It’s like a thousand to one. Hang in there. Use the force. To get into Occam’s razor a little (a heuristic maxim which advises economy or simplicity, especially in scientific theories) you’ve tried the not slutting it up…not working? Well, the simplest solution is usually best. Uh, what did I tell you? Bad advice. Heh.

Okay. Baby is on my lap now, and it’s hard to type, so we’re gonna go to the farmers market. Oh throw your stones! It is TOO punk rock to take your baby to the farmers market.

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17 Responses to Let’s get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?

  1. SauliosBJ123 says:

    I don’t fully get why you hate Jim Carrey, if you need to kill a blog, explain that. I get he isn’t particularly good at acting, but I don’t know a reason he is worse than Brendan Frasier…who I don’t even hate, but just think needs to quit acting.

  2. JMS says:

    Didn’t Brendan Frasier release like three crappy movies at the same time this summer? I didn’t used to hate him.

  3. A l e x says:

    The main person whose face induces a strong punching desire for me is Adrian Grenier. I picture him in my head for one half of a split-fucking-second and I want to do all kinds of damage to just about everything. It’s a good thing for basically everyone that I have such a well-developed sense of self-control and overall maturity. Hoo, boy.

    ps: takin da baby 2 da fammers maket uuppppin da punxxxxxx!!!!!!

  4. eugene herbert wallis says:

    Jim Carrey doesn’t suck that much,he’s not amazing but he’s not Nicolas Cage. At least he can do emotions in abundance, the only emotion Cage can do is apathy, and he barely sells that

  5. Keri says:

    oh BK what would i do without this blog to read every day at work and have to minimize whenever a coworker comes into my office *sigh*

    you fuckin hippie.

  6. Eric says:

    Keri said it. I was going through the BSC back catalog one morning in the university computer lab. After a few disgusted glances from people who saw me reading “anal is the new vaginal,” I decided that this was not the best place for me to be reading your ramblings.

  7. Andrew says:

    too bad that slutting it up doesn’t work as well for guys. chicks can easily throw themselves out there, there are plenty of dudes who lap that shit up. Meanwhile when guys say “we just want to bone you” we get a kick in the nuts or, at best, a whopping slap to the face.
    plus women have like an infinite network so if we fuck it up with one we fuck ourselves with all

  8. Josh says:

    I can relate with the great slut adventure. I used to be the way where I’d only get down with girls I was dating only to realize the world of hurt I’d gotten myself into. Now that I’d broken off that path I’ve actually felt better. I guess it’s the open-endedness of it all. Something you’ve gotta work out of you system from time to time. I do find myself getting back into where I’d like to have a relationship. But I have the hindsight now to do it correctly I believe.

  9. artielovescupcakes says:

    I just love the fozzy bear phrase. it kills every time.

  10. AOVM says:

    BK, i have a question. is it easy being a slut?

  11. Mikey says:

    hey, thanks for the advice.

  12. Mikey says:

    oh, and…heh…i had never noticed the 5th grade/grade 5 thing before. interesting.

    grade 5 sounds so much better.

  13. LaurenSmash says:

    I think your advice is great. It seems well thought out, and fair. And I love the farmer’s market. If I had a baby, I would take it there.

  14. Dickbeard says:

    Is this farmers market you speak of the one across from the Dirksen federal building?

  15. forgetthisplace says:

    I’m doing the whole ‘college application’ process right now and I was thinking about schools in chicago. I’m into writing and journalism. Any advice about chicago schools/any schools?

  16. My Brand New Swiss Life says:

    Brendan. You have a blog. People comment on it. T’sup?

  17. Suzanne says:

    I think I said this last time you talked about Jim Carrey, but just in case I didn’t, I’m totally with you on that.

    I think all the BSC reader crowd that aren’t getting fucked should just get together for a gang bang. It’d be a very odd and interesting event, I’m sure..

    Personally, I got so tired of the asshole/good guy ratio, I’ve been celibate by choice for 6 months now.. Getting to the point where I’m not sure I want to continue, but at the same time there’s no-one out there that’s actually worth my time in the fuck sense.

    Plus, if you whore around, most of the guys you meet that way really blow in bed.

    Aha! A list we need Brendan, how to tell if someone is good/bad in bed before you actually get to the fucking stage.

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