bad sandwich chronicles

I don’t really think that I’m out of line when I say that a bunch of grown men pulling a kid into a room and injecting him with a drug that will cause him to get a boner and then taking pictures of said boner is a fucked up, terrible thing. Yet that’s exactly what seems to be on the verge of happening in Manassas, VA as retribution for a 17 year old guy texting a picture of his boner to his 15 year old then-girlfriend during a sexy text exchange. The girl seems to have texted pictures of herself to the boy as well, but it was the girl’s mom who found the boner on her daughter’s phone and after a little good old fashioned parental freaking out, the cops got involved. The cops decided that the most effective route to justice would be to charge the boy for manufacturing child porn (his picture of his own dick) and distributing child porn (sending said dick to his gal). The girl would not be charged. The problem, though, is that even though the cops have the pic of the boner and can clearly see that it came from this boy’s phone, they can’t prove the boner in question is the boy’s 17 year old boner. SO, they brought him to the police station and took pictures of his dick, but since it was presumably terrified, it didn’t look enough like the dick in the picture to be considered a positive ID. SO, the cops have decided, as I mentioned at the beginning, that they’re gonna bring this kid back, inject him with bonermaker and take pictures of his hard on, all so they can charge him with manufacturing and distributing kiddie porn (a life ruining charge) because he sent a dick to a chick in exchange for some tits. The kid’s guardian has said he has no plans to facilitate this weirdness, and the cops have replied with a ‘fuck you. We’re doing this, by force if necessary.’ I hope this is horrifying to you. Can you imagine if this exact situation were reversed and the cops decided they needed a photograph of a 17 year old girl’s aroused, moist vagina and they were going to use force to get said photo if the girl and her family wouldn’t acquiesce to said violation? It’s fucking outrageous. I’m not trying to invoke some sort of ‘poor men’ argument here, I’m just trying to wrap my head around how insane this whole thing actually is. In order to ostensibly prevent sexy texting, cops are charging children with child porn charges and producing their own child porn to facilitate said railroading?!??!?! It boggles the mind. There is literally never a time when a bunch of men injecting a minor to get them aroused and then photographing their genitals is okay. It’s just not. I don’t think this is a particularly controversial statement. I just can’t believe that this is the course of action adults are taking, and that a court actually upheld this crazy idea as the way to best proceed. There are a lot of dark things that go on every day. There’s unreported rapes and children starving and corrupt pigs and all sorts of terror in this world. I understand why it’s easy to just want to ignore it all and keep your head down. For whatever reason, this one hits home to me. I was lucky enough to have been a teen when there were no cel phones. If there had been cel phones, y’all would have pictures of my dick. That’s for sure. This is just such a gross, disgusting, vile thing perpetrated by a very dirty, warped nanny state, violating children in the name of protecting them. Tweet at the Manassas PD and let them know what you think of their methodology or call the Commonwealth attorney’s office where the mastermind of this idea, Claiborne Richardson works here: The Commonwealth’s Attorneys Office is located in the Judicial Center at 9311 Lee Avenue, Suite 200, Manassas, VA 20110; Phone: 703-792-6050; Fax: 703-792-7081; email: cwoffice@pwcgov.org.   Cool. Thanks! Send me pictures of your dicks. 18 and older pls.

UPDATE: Apparently this kind of thing is frowned upon and the cops have decided not to go through with the boner photo (yay!). They’re still charging the kid with the same crimes though (boo).

Happy America’s birthday, earthfolk.

This weekend I was listening to an old Howard Stern bit from right around the turn of the century featuring the Goo Goo Dolls, Jon Stewart and a bunch of gay dudes in thongs. The premise of the bit was essentially that the Goo Goo Dolls would play that “and I don’t want the world to see me” song (Iris, maybe?) and Jon Stewart, Howard and a few other dudes, who were all in sailor suits, would slow dance with all the thonged gay guys. I guess this was a re-enactment of a scene in the movie Philadelphia or something. Whatever, not the point. The bit itself hasn’t aged particularly well; it was pretty pro gay for the time, but has since shifted into mild fear-of-queers territory (particularly on the part of Jon Stewart, surprisingly enough). BUT ANYWAY THAT’S NOT THE POINT.

The point is, pre slowdance, they were interviewing the Goo Goo Dolls and Howard asked them about banging chicks on the road. The suggestion was that now that they’re a famous band, the caliber of ladies willing to suck their dicks must be through the roof. One of the dudes in the band responded something to the effect of “yeah, but these chicks are only here because we’re famous. I see these hot girls and I’m like “she wouldn’t like me if I was the janitor, you know?” to which I say, yeah, no shit. Of course not. But why the fuck is that a problem?

See, here’s the thing: straight men are dumb as hell. All we want, in terms of romance, are two things: for women to give us blowjobs and for them to love us for who we are, period. BUT, more often than not, men get blowjobs and then immediately shame the giver of the blowjob, thereby discouraging her from giving blowjobs, which is fucking stupid. And we’re just as stupid about the second part. Women tend to not care as much about physical appearance as guys do. This is a good thing, because we’re disgusting even when we’re good looking. This is also a good thing because we want women to love us just for who we are, which somehow means that no matter how fat and gross and sedentary and unambitious and resentful we become, they should still love us the same amount. It’s like a romantic’s excuse for not doing anything: She should love me for me, so what if I’m fat? She should love me for me, so what if I’m shy? She should love me for me. So what if I’m bitter? She should love me for me, so what if I’m a janitor? And so on. But the thing is, that’s a complete bullshit premise.

No disrespect to janitors here. Being a janitor is hard, honest work and it’s often pretty thankless. I think we can agree that a world without janitors is a gross and bleak one indeed. However, if you live, breathe and sleep janitorial work, you’re probably not a terribly interesting person to be around. You follow me here? Be a fucking janitor all day and all night, but at least have another interest. Be really into cooking or painting or clay or fixing cars or designing women’s shoes or reading or Judo, or animals or something. It doesn’t matter what. You just need some interests. Without interests, you have nothing, outside of the custodial arts that you can engage with someone confidently about, and (and I’ve said this before thousands upon thousands of times) women, all of them to the very last one on earth, are attracted to confidence. That is all. THAT IS THE ONLY THING THEY’RE ATTRACTED TO IN MEN. You think they like your abs? Wrong. They like the confidence that those lame abs (that make you look gay, by the way) give you. You think they like your band? Maaaaaaaybe, but what they really like is the confidence inherent in creating something, putting it out there and backing it up, and even more than that, they like the confidence that comes from total strangers coming up to you and telling you that they love you. That’s what they like, dude from the Goo Goo Dolls. The thing about the pussywagon pulling up to your band is that it’s not just about gold diggers and fame whores. In fact, it’s hardly about that at all. What it’s about is that you, Johnny Reznik have a confidence and swagger and a toughness and a vulnerability that’s all nurtured by your day job which just happens to be making middle of the road lite rock songs that are the soundtrack of moms masturbating in their Jacuzzi tubs worldwide. If you were the janitor, the implication would be that you had less ambition, less confidence and less of a dynamic range of a personality. I’m not suggesting that would actually be true, but that’s the perception, and when you’re talking about a girl walking up to you out of the blue and saying something like “can I suck your dick?” you’re pretty much dealing with initial perception.

Pro athletes are constantly up to their armpits in pussy, not because they’re rich, but because they’re dedicated and focused and intense and strong. Politicians, same shit. They’re confident and self assured and powerful and those are personality traits, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s what ‘the real me’ is, right? The sum of your personality traits.

Besides, what the fuck is ‘the real you’ anyway? If you take away Johnny Reznik’s interest in playing guitar, writing songs, his ambition to succeed, his worldliness that comes from seeing the entire planet, his confidence that comes from his art, his vulnerability that comes from his being brave enough to put some bullshit song like Iris out in the first place, what do you have? Some janitor in a Buffalo middleschool who, at first glance, has no interests or ambitions, and who is rocking a woefully inappropriate Jennifer Anniston haircut. So no shit, dude. Of course she wouldn’t like you if you were the janitor. Because that wouldn’t be you. She likes you for all the reasons that you are who you are. That’s how it works. God. How fucking pathetic can you be?

That’s all. Happy workweek. xoxoxoxo